Circular Cycle

Just like a motherfucking carousel again...it's everytime that I think I've fixed the problem that it feels as if I'm soon set back again even further than when I started. Sometimes, it's seriously not worth it to even bother, because I know that I'm sure to relapse back into my personal darkness whenever I make an attempt to crawl out of the creeping shadows - those that grasp at me and hold me prisoner within my own past. The past haunts me like I'm seeing ghosts; just like Eminem saying "God it feels like I'm goin' psychotic", and for me the past has a hold on me that I can't shake, can't forget, can't burn away no matter how many nights I stand outside and smoke until my nicotine rush makes it temporarily better.

Sorry, to you, the poor fool reading this; my journals seem to often walk the line between madman's rants and stream-of-consciousness thought. I try for the latter, try as much as I can to speak my mind as clearly as I can. But what sounds right to me most likely confuses you, particularly so the further that you journey amongst my thoughts and shattered words. The thing is, even if you are confused, I don't give a damn, because I have no fear or anger at being judged for the things I write; it's freeing, actually, to write something real and honest - everything put into prose that I can never communicate through the shitty poetry I upload.

No journal entries throughout the month of February, as the spring semester hit me pretty hard, with all of the credits I'm taking plus a new on-campus job that I didn't have over fall semester. It throws an interesting time management nightmare into the mix of getting the hell up for classes and caring enough to finish my work, especially to finish it well.

And anyways, with some of that pointless background information I'll return to the topic and the reasoning behind my circular cycles. It's kind of like a disclaimer, attempting to show that I'm not entirely crazy or ruined by despair, or pissed off at everything as I usually seem when I write the sentences and paragraphs here.

To pose a question: Why is it even  a cycle to begin with? Oh, that's right, I let myself be treated like shit by any of my friends, because I believe in the value of staying loyal in a friendship, even when it may be failing; by any of the men I get with, even though I know that the way I portray myself gives them permission to take their liberties with me; and by the few I hold close, that I care for beyond anything, the ones I love and can't ever hate no matter what they do to me. The 'why' behind how I can let people do this to me is beyond my reasoning. Or maybe I refuse to see the truth behind it because it worries me that it's the one demon I never defeated. Still treat myself as worthless and no matter how much I try to hide it, people can see it and think it is acceptable to treat me accordingly. Not that it IS fuck you! It's my personal demon I'm still coping with, and you acting that way doesn't make it any easier to defeat.

What was I saying last time about resurfacing? God damn, I really wish it had stayed that way. Why? I thought he'd given up on me, and stung by his indifference I gave up on being with him. But that was the end of January. Things changed when I stopped being a stupid little coward and went to go talk to him. Things were great...for one day. Somehow this argument about the stupidest things EVER got started when we were only joking to being with, one thing led to another and he ended it by telling me that I was only there to feed him lies and bullshit.

Yes, you read that right. ME be a liar? To anyone I gave enough of a fuck to fall for? Jesus Christ, you must be fucking in a coma to think that I'd betray the trust of anyone I love, anyone I care about, anyone I'm even in a friendship with. Because if you knew ANYTHING, anything AT ALL about me, it's that my past of being lied to and betrayed has made me into a person who would NEVER do that because I still feel covered in knife wounds from when it happened to me over and over.

Screw that relationship over, wrap it up like a present and send it straight to the depths of hell, because breaking things off with him, when we just started them, has officially ruined my month. Excuses, maybe? But I'd say this played a big role in the various problems I experienced as backlash in class and at work. It's never a good idea to skip class as many times as I did....to not show up for the quizzes we had (of course, I couldn't re-do them)....and above all, it's a very bad idea to use your bad feelings to flirt with and seduce the student manager at work. None of those are worth the trouble and don't do anything to take the edge off.

But, clearly I didn't listen to Katy Perry's "Thinking of You" enough times to understand that rebound flings after a relationship has ended don't help either. The thing is, he was the type I liked, similar enough to me in that we both look for merely physical relationships, nothing more or less, but definitely nothing in the romantic category. Problem, that added a new element of desperate to my usual back and forth cycle of flings, was that he looked somewhat like the previous one - that's right, the idiot I still care about but the one who treated me like such a jackass that I can't even begin to talk things over with him. Eyes were a different color, and regardless, I made myself not care when he and his blue eyes pulled me in and made me forget, if only for a few hours.

And that's really the most pathetic thing of it, that he pretends to care about me but doesn't call after the one time. I didn't really expect it but it stung a tiny bit. I'm generally numb to it but sometimes I do want...something else. I'm not sure. I can't say that I'd want a relationship, since of the two times I've gotten serious with somebody it ended very badly. And it's hard to be "with" a person when you have such deep-set trust issues. I'll tell myself it's better this way, to continue my destructive cycle, only hooking up and never searching for something better because I'm not going to find it if I look.

It's a really fucking disgusting cycle, and I hate myself for it, I hate every damn thing about it.Too hard to get rid of it, too tired to try, and too apathetic to even care. "Sunshine in my veins" and "a funeral in my brain", one burning me up equally with unfulfilled desires and with desperation to feel something; the other one a slow regression into myself, equally sickening and painful.

Like water through a drain
I'm spinning down, down, down;
Like the needle in my vein
You're bringing me down, down, down;
Like a dog who's gone insane
You're putting me down, down, down.