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Literature
Don't Speak in Absolutes
The fight started it all and became a storm,
And when I confessed the truths
You never wanted to hear me say,
(but you already had said you knew),
It became a chilling calm but your face
Was crumpled up paper and
 for once I couldn’t read your thoughts..
We all know you hide your hurts behind
This rage, so then you stomped around
Telling me to get my shit and leave,
Tearing down things I gave you and even
The things we had bought together..
And maybe you felt the need to tear me down too,
Make me pay for how I’ve broken us apart,
Put me away in a box out of sight;
Instead you know just which words to use:
“I never liked those stupid lights anyways.”
It leaves me wondering.
When I’m half asleep after I drank
The bottle of red wine and cried about
 you and your everything I miss..
Maybe.
You never loved me anyway either.
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Literature
I Hurt Myself, But Everyone Hides Pain Somehow
In the darkness we are all the same
Sitting alone in adjoining rooms
Darkness making equals of all
While I self-mutilate and self-hate
Maybe you’re doing the same
Wherever the fuck you are,
you monster
Wouldn’t even be writing this
But I’m haunted by a conscience
That’s more than you could say
Believe me, I’ve been over it
hundreds thousands millions
Of times and still somehow know
You’d probably do it again
you probably have already
There’s nothing I could do
All these years you’ve had me
At your beck and call, your bitch,
Covering for you, making excuses,
Not revealing anything except to
the goddamn cat who sees me bleed
When the lights are out, I’m nothing again
I’m a little girl who is afraid
Not of you but of ones I love finding out
The way you fucked me up, made me yours
like you gave me some kind of STD
Because I’m sick just like you…
But I take it out on myself
Never on in
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Literature
Sleepless A.M.
(I swear there was a whisper in the room)
Insomniatic I’m here imagining your voice
Craving the taste of your lips
Pretending to feel your body near mine
Letting my thoughts run ‘round
Kept awake and alive by your picture
Etched into the front of my mind
(If I listen close I can hear my heartbeat)
In my sleepy confusion it’s erratic, like yours,
(There's tiredness in my bones but I'm wide awake)
My brain can’t skip this out of control train
But I’d want nothing more than this
In the end – hours of sleep can hardly compare
When I can’t hide a smile just thinking of you
(If you dream of me can you feel this too?)
Remember me singing to you in the darkness
(I’d regret not sleeping to dream with you)
If I could come up with a reason to stop these thoughts
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Mature content
Some Kind of Fucking Girl :iconchocolate-waterfall:Chocolate-Waterfall 1 2
Mature content
Can't Hold it Back :iconchocolate-waterfall:Chocolate-Waterfall 1 8
Mature content
Personal Struggles :iconchocolate-waterfall:Chocolate-Waterfall 1 0
Literature
Some Kind of Love
This kind of love is heavy,
Deep cathedral bell-tolls of feeling,
Dark gray clouds pressing low over the ground;
Things-lose-their-vibrancy kind of missing you,
All the while your last words remain echoing in my mind;
(your unbelief in this thing that catches fire in my soul and mind)
This kind of love is regret,
Countless missed chances that somehow wound up righted,
Using past hurts to become something more than ourselves;
Praying to a blazing star that this won't turn cold and lifeless,
(but when the wanting leaves us desperate, I find any excuse to begin again)
This kind of love is evolving,
Beyond the physical and transcending our mere emotions;
The twisting storm that lays bare all our secrets,
But still something powerful and ancient as the earth;
(to the place where we lay within each other, blocking out the world)
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Literature
Planetary Alignment
Earth-shaking.
But nobody else felt it.
The world was imploding,
Bright colors and shapes
behind my eyeballs.
Glass-shattering.
But I think you felt it too.
From the way you made me scream,
smiling as you did so.
Even though I'm not superstitious,
I'm not a slight bit religious,
I swear you can make me
see heaven,
you can make me
say yes over and over again.
Heart-bursting.
But I know I'm still alive.
My hands locked onto your head,
holding you closer
to that perfect spot,
fuckyesbabe right there;
My lips unable to stop
breathing your name like a chant.
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Literature
Here in the Darkness
I laid awake in the dark and listened to your breathing.
Sometimes I just listen close and worry that you've stopped.
I'm never able to quit holding my breath til I'm sure you're alright.
I kissed your bare skin softly in the dark and wished the night was longer.
Sometimes I bury my face close to your hair and inhale you.
I'm never able to stop finding the smallest ways to love you.
I held you close in the dark with our bodies intertwined.
Sometimes I can't sleep, afraid of nightmares, but you're still there.
I'm never able to stop cherishing our every night spent here.
I laid awake in the dark and thought of all our history together.
Sometimes I slip into dreams of our future and all it could be.
I'm never able to stop loving you and wanting this to last.
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Literature
After-Effects
Sparks in the darkness
The candle's glow
casting shadows
My fingernails on your back
As we've finished one thing
moving along
With your body beside me
Arms wrapped around
your kisses
Helping but not helping
Calm my erratic breathing
still leftover
Hearts beating fast, limbs tired
an afterglow
Where we lie within each other
Satisfied from these
intimate exercises
Wrapped up in our love,
Pretending nothing else exists.
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Literature
Strangely Metaphorical
Something about last night seems strange,
Like you were driving around my mind,
Somewhere along those broken highways
There’s a rest stop, you can take a break -
Rest awhile, from all the road work piling up,
Those cracked interstates and overpasses
Where all my secret fears and insecurities
Are shaking the foundations like earthquakes
But at the stop, there’s an oasis of peace
A section of silence where chaos reigns supreme –
You can stay the night in the neighboring motel,
Though there might be no vacancies for now,
Ghosts from my past roaming through rooms,
Commenting on events and days like tour guides
If you can get past that, there’s a room reserved
Third floor, where you can see from the window,
A twisted landscape, spreading every direction -
If you find the rusted helicopter out back,
You can fly over the roads and mountains
And try to find a better place to sleep,
Maybe an abandoned city or empty lot,
Or maybe you can find your way to the center,
The p
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Literature
Time's Different with You
Months on the calendar keep flippin’ past,
From where I’m sittin’, feels like eternity
Time keeps tickin’ away, steady as she goes,
But all I’m thinkin’ is how to make it last.
Clock on the wall has a busted hand,
And the watch I used to wear is worn down,
So maybe we can stay outside time, inside,
Talkin’ ‘bout the times and the future we have.
Every week feels the same, changin’, but not,
When you’re holdin’ me close, nothing else is,
When you’re keepin’ me safe, I forget everything
Surrenderin’ every fear, worry, and weak spot.
I’m the type, tryin’ to stay grounded in reality,
The seconds and minutes passin’ like usual,
Yet all this time with you, darlin’, switches things,
And seems like it’s years I’ve been lovin’ you.
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Deviant ID No. 213 by Chocolate-Waterfall Deviant ID No. 213 :iconchocolate-waterfall:Chocolate-Waterfall 2 2

Journal History

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Chocolate-Waterfall
Aela
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
Cynical alcoholic. I'm not usually one to give a damn about what others think about me. Recovering perfectionist. Every day is a test against my demons but I've learned to power through a lot of bullshit.

Contrary to my demeanor, I don’t hate everything or everyone. Only about ninety-percent of the time. Some things I do like: video gaming. Netflix watching. Everything about the winter. Going for long drives during the night. Drinking hard liquor like it's water. Any time I get to actually work on my painting (it's awful).
Interests
  • Listening to: Everlast - Whitey Ford Sings the Blues
  • Reading: Wild: Stories of Survival
  • Watching: Psych
  • Playing: Cinders
  • Drinking: Water, as usual
{A quick author's note before the following text: what follows was meant to be posted earlier in the summer, about three weeks after my previous journal entry, the one that served as a small autobiographical introduction to myself. Anyways, this was indeed written back then, but I felt that it needed something else before I posted it, and saved it as a draft instead of immediately posting. Still don't know what that thing is, so fuck it, I'm posting it now because I have other journals to post/write, but having a particular order based on date matters to me. Because it's always a journey of emotions and feelings with me. So, yeah.}

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Sometime ago, last night as a matter of fact, I reached a bit of an existential crisis while playing a video game. Was it really "existential" though? It definitely served to reveal some interesting things about myself...I think. Let me clarify for you. It wasn't something that I would usually think of when hearing the term "video game". And trust me on this, I've played enough of those to have a rather clear understanding of what gaming is. It's a little game called Cinders (Steam page: more info here), categorized as an adventure and visual novel game. Mainly, it's strengths lie in ridiculously good artwork and storytelling. So, it was during my playthrough of this game that I came to some conclusions about myself. The context is set, but let me fill in the details for you.

Fairly early on in the game, perhaps it is day one or two in-game time, your female protagonist, has the opportunity to either be friendly or flirty with an old childhood friend, one who she now rarely sees due to his owning a business in the local town. A bit later on, depending on your behavior towards this old friend, he will ask the protagonist on a date for that evening. If you accept, the two will meet up at the local tavern for food and drinks, and spend time talking and walking through the streets late at night. Of course, as things go...you are then given the option to "go home" with this date. And, yeah. That fast. That's heavier than I was expecting out of this seemingly lighthearted game. Would not recommend to children. 

One guess as to which path I picked from the above presented choices. Yeah, I know. Typical, right? 

I suppose I should explain why I consider that typical behavior of mine. If you read my previous journal entries, particularly Circular Cycle (the first one), you need no further explanation at this point. Or maybe you do. But, in any event...

I was going for a "realistic" playthrough of that game. Yes, it's a choose-your-own-adventure style of game, so there can't in all possibility be that many different paths. But, I decided that instead of instantly trying to achievement hunt right away, I would just play the game as if I were the one making the choices. As opposed to just doing what I think the character should or shouldn't do, or just choosing the craziest choice without thinking about it. Not my style, at least in this particular case. 

And this brings me to my main problem. I KNOW that if I were in a similar situation in real life, I would have made the exact same bloody choices. Not joking. It's that whole knowing-myself-better-than-anyone-else thing. I mean, I know that I've done shitty things in the past..had shitty hookups and gotten locked into stupid "friends with benefits" relationships more times than I can count. And the sad thing is, I never learn from those. So, yeah, I would end up doing much the same things again, given the right opportunities. Which, as it turns out, I don't ever seem to have a shortage of. 

This is where a sigh would go if I could put it into writing. 

Anyways, it's a combination of this video game revealing that my [real life] choices aren't always made for the correct reasons, and recent events that have occurred with a specific man, that bring to me to this sort-of "crisis". I can't say that I didn't know what I was getting into with him. And me and him, we've been friends - just friends, with the occasional flirting on the side - for at least a year at this point. So, you'd think he would know me fairly well at this point. Well, maybe I was mistaken, because right now it seems as if he only sees the one side of me. Guess which side that is. Yep. The side that seduces, easily falls in and out of bed with different people, the one that I am, frankly, goddamned sick of having. Because it's beyond pointless! Why bother with all the casual stuff, only to feel lower than low when they - and yeah, they always do - leave me behind, both as a date and as a friend, off in search of the next-best-thing? But I guess he didn't pay attention to the fact that I'd repeatedly mentioned how sick I am of the casual stuff, how I want something that lasts longer than a fucking evening or a fucking week. 

Nevertheless, as I sit here, I can't bring myself to feel entirely guilty about the things I've so far done with this person. Yeah, it had been a few months (five, I think), since the last one. So I take some sort of pleasure in knowing that I "still got it" as I think the phrase goes. As a side note, though, it makes me wonder if I was always doomed [somewhat accurate word, there] to end up doing these things with him, even from the first day we met and became friends. Because I always end up that way. Even with people I had intended to just be friends with. Is it any wonder why I (with some horror) so easily identified with the game's protagonist? There are maybe two male friends I've never hooked up with/been friends with benefits with/done anything beyond friendship with. Not surprisingly, they're the ones I'm closest to. 

I just wish I had a way to get myself out of this cycle. It's always: feel bad for a while, get flirty, be seductive to anyone and everyone for a while, find my next "fix", make a few mistakes here and there, then break it off because they decide to go after someone who isn't just a placeholder...or we have a falling out while trying to be both friends and lovers...or any one of a dozen reasons. Rinse,  repeat. And every time, I'm like a broken record in that I say I'm sick of all that shit, but go right back into it the next opportunity I get. 

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:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner May 12, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the fave! :tighthug: :heart: 
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:iconchasingxaimee:
chasingxaimee Featured By Owner May 28, 2015  Student Writer
Thanks for all the favourites! I truly appreciate it! :)
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:iconchocolate-waterfall:
Chocolate-Waterfall Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
It's never a problem, my pleasure. :)
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:iconchasingxaimee:
chasingxaimee Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2015  Student Writer
And again, thanks for faving!!! :)
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:iconblackkarcane:
blackkarcane Featured By Owner May 3, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Hi:wave:
Thanks for the :+fav:
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:iconchocolate-waterfall:
Chocolate-Waterfall Featured By Owner May 4, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
'Ello to you too! And you're very welcome, it was much deserved. :P
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:iconpauljustpaul:
PaulJustPaul Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2015
I really hope that your reality IS ...
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:iconchocolate-waterfall:
Chocolate-Waterfall Featured By Owner May 2, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
It's something, all right. 
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:iconromanjones:
RomanJones Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks for the watch!
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:iconchocolate-waterfall:
Chocolate-Waterfall Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Hey, no problem! Keep doing what you're doing, it's all great stuff. Read your article on Cracked too...thanks for the art. :la:
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